Yesterday I was the site of a wild party. Crabby had his day out. It threw one crabby tantrum after another while the ego watched in glee and encouraged it even further. The stern judge in me put on his wig and gown and brought his gavel down again and again in my head with a bang. The sharp critic in me adjusted his specs and sharpened his pencil and words and they flowed strong and hurtful. The fearful mother in me gathered all her fears and gave them a good airing. There was an orgy going on in there and the unconditionally loving self tried to slip in but was held at bay by the Ego (who had now turned into a bouncer) at the door. “Are you a friend of the judge or the critic or the anxious mother or the bawling baby? Will you add to the wild party?” asked the bouncer. “Yes, I am a friend and I intend to bring back sanity in there” said the unconditionally loving self with characteristic if unrewarding honesty. “Next” said Ego, looking past the u.l.self, “The ghost of all past failures” sashayed in. The music got louder, the unconditionally loving self waited patiently; it had been at this gate many times before.
Today I got up with a hangover. I felt hurt and sore and tired all over. I looked at the mess that I had created inside and out. Ego was about to restart the party shouting “Wake up! Wake up!” It shoved here, pushed there and pinched crabby baby in the hope of getting both anxious mom and bawling crabby to start up together. However, last night’s revelers were a little slow on the uptake and the self, ever alert, got in sideways and sent Ego and the bedraggled lot a volley of unconditional love which caught Ego unawares. That was all that the self needed, a crack in the wall, and she entered. My unconditional love and forgiveness muscles felt a sudden spurt of energy.
Immediately and inexplicably I was filled with gratitude for my family members who had variously tried to be there for me with hugs, long distance calls and strong steadfast support, for my many friends who hold me in their daily prayers, for the torrential rain that came down in the evening, for the trees that danced wildly in the wind, for the cool breeze that followed, for the very air that I breathed and for the wonderful ability to breathe! I felt blessed. I forgave myself and those around me. It is amazing how quickly and silently the external world aligned itself to this internal truth of unconditional love and forgiveness.
And it came to me, that the wild party was nothing to be ashamed of. It was a bell, reminding me that I had to return home and be more mindful. The last few days had been hectic emotionally, physically and intellectually. I had given up practicing, building my loving and forgiving muscles. The crabbiness was my awakening call, nothing more nothing less. Yes the alarm had disturbed me and my loved ones but a call it was. A call to return home, to practice, no matter how busy the day. So now, I rejoice at my crabbiness and here’s all the love, acknowledgement, closure, peace, nappy change, milk that you needed crabby. You did your job well. Sweet dreams, The judge is slumped over his gavel his wig asunder, the critic is doodling happily, the mother sings a soothing lullaby and I can almost hear a content little burp and gentle baby breathing coming from crabby swaddled and snug in unconditional love and forgiveness.